"You NEVER" do this for me!

You guys remember in the boundaries audio when I was talking about how our kids are always asking us for stuff in the checkout line or when we go to the grocery store — they're putting a million boxes of Lucky Charms in the cart. Well, one of the things that came up when I was recording the audio is sometimes our kids use the language like, "you always do this" or "you never do this." And I think that can be super triggering for some parents, especially because of course we're generous. Of course we've said yes many, many times. They've probably already had an incredible day at that point.

I feel like these types of statements are really most triggering when we're on a family vacation or something, and you know that everything has been very generous and over the top. But one thing that has really helped me keep these moments in perspective is that many children, especially young children, have not yet developed something called gray area thinking — meaning what they are experiencing in that exact moment becomes a very black and white situation in their day, and can create a moment where they say something like, "This is the worst day ever. I'm having a horrible day."

It happened with my seven-year-old this morning. We were having a great morning, and then his older brother scared him when he went into the bedroom to change. And he was like, "I am having such a horrible morning." Meanwhile, we had been up for like two hours reading together and making breakfast. And it can just make you feel like you got kicked in the gut — like nothing else that we just did mattered. But what I recently learned is that children don't develop gray area thinking until around the ages of nine-ish, sometimes a little bit earlier.

That's actually when I've started noticing it with my older son. He might have a frustrating moment, but he doesn't extrapolate it to make it the entire day has been horrible. He might just be like, "This has been a really bad night," but he doesn't spread it out over the entirety of his day or his life.

So even though I hold the boundary in that moment, and it's very tempting to respond and say, "Oh my god, you're so dramatic, you're so ungrateful" — I don't necessarily address those statements in the moment. What I might do a few minutes later when we get in the car is say, "You know, our words really matter. And what you just said in the checkout line is 'I never buy you anything.' And I want you to think about if that's true. It's really important to choose words that are true." So was that true?

Take it as an opportunity later to help them redirect their thinking and to not be so dramatic in their thinking — but to not take these black and white statements as a sign that your child is truly, truly ungrateful, because young children just don't have that gray area thinking yet.

If this type of information is helpful to you, when you purchase Not Today: The Method, I want you to know that a lot of the most rich and delicious content in that framework comes in the email series that follows. There will be little tips and tricks, little psychological insights, developmental insights that I'll share with you all that I know will help you implement Not Today: The Method more and feel like a more empowered leader. I'm not fire-hosing you with all of it in a seven-hour course. What I've done is created a short 16-minute audio, and then there will be many tips that come in an email series that follows, so that you can digest it and incorporate it as you go.

So I hope this one has been helpful. The next time your child says something that's super black and white, try not to take it personally and remember that they just may not have developed that gray area thinking yet. And that later on, you can say something about how it's important to say things that are true, and that our words carry importance, and to reflect upon what they were saying in that moment. All right guys, love to be here with you. Let me know if this helped. You know, I read each and every email.