I remember the first time my toddler threw a real tantrum. I froze, panicked. I literally did not know what to do.
Was I supposed to ignore him? Scold him? Comfort him?
My instinct told me this moment was not about the popsicle he was raging over. I had just given birth to his baby brother, and he was sad and struggling with the massive changes. He needed me to show up for him with compassion and leadership.
Instead, I froze, uncertain of what to do, and horrified that I was so unprepared for that moment.
Do you want to hear something that still gets me?
I actually don't remember how I responded to that tantrum. I was so stressed and shocked that I don't remember the outcome.
Shortly after, I found an article from Janet Lansbury that empowered me like no other tool I found during that time. It helped me more than play kits, sleep schedules, or healthy snack shortcuts. It helped me feel close to my children, prepared for hard moments, and still able to hold my ground.
The magical shift? I learned to acknowledge my son's perspective while holding safe, clear boundaries. I still do this today, and my boys are now 7 and 9.
Why This Changes Everything
Because it is the simplest way to show our kids that they truly matter, without letting them run the show.
As a highly sensitive child who later came to struggle with an eating disorder and alcoholism at a very young age, I do not believe in bottling up emotions or looking outside ourselves to decide how we feel. I want my kids to listen to themselves, feel their actual feelings, and still learn to regulate.
When we tell our kids "it's not a big deal" or "you're fine!", we are teaching them to look outside of themselves to figure out how they feel. This is the basis for creating anxious children, and later, anxious adults who are constantly reading the room, pleasing others, and have no idea what they actually think or want for themselves.
This is literally the wiring that most adults are trying to undo in themselves. We can choose not to re-create that internal disconnection for them, and for ourselves, at the same time. Simultaneous emotional processing across generations, all at once.
The ABC Framework: A-C as Simple as the Alphabet
I created a simple reminder so I could remember what to do in those hard moments. This framework allows our kids to feel seen, heard, and understood, and gives us a structure to be their warm, confident leaders.
Here it is.
A: Acknowledge their perspective. "You are super angry that your brother took your toy!"
B: Hold your Boundary. "I won't allow you to hit. I will hold the toy for a moment. When we all cool off, we will work it out."
C: Coach with compassion. "It's normal to be angry. Next time you feel that angry, you can stomp on the floor or find somewhere to yell into a pillow. You can also come tell me if you need help. You cannot hit."
Notice how this is different from simply saying "hands are not for hitting" (ultra-permissive) or punishing, or sending them to timeout (punitive when they are learning self control during anger).
But there is a clear boundary. The toy is removed. It hitting is still occurring, little hands are blocked or stopped.
It is the balance right in the middle: feelings without shame or punishment, while they learn to regulate their brains and bodies.
Real Examples You Can Use Right Now
At the park:
- Acknowledge: "You really don't want to leave the park."
- Boundary: "You can go down the slide two more times, then I will help you to the car."
- Coach with compassion: No coaching need here, just modeling leadership as you guide them, or gently scoop them up and carry them to the car. Your body demonstrates undertanding that they are sad, but you do not hesitate to follow through.
When they want to climb in the baby's crib:
- Acknowledge: "You want to climb into the crib. It feels like a big deal to see the baby sleeping in your crib. I won't allow you to climb in there while the baby is sleeping."
- Boundary: Calmly remove them from the crib, holding your ground with quick, gentle leadership.
- Coach: "You miss your crib. It feels strange to see the baby in there. Would you like to bring some stuffies in and play after the nap is over?"
When roughhousing goes too far:
- Acknowledge: "That really hurt you. I saw that!"
- Boundary: "I understand why you are angry. That must have really hurt. I won't allow name-calling or mocking. We are all going to separate for a minute to cool off."
- Coach with compassion (much later, even the next day): "When you and your brother agree to roughhouse, sometimes one of you will accidentally get hurt. Going forward: no punching, biting, hair pulling, or wrestling when hungry or angry. It takes awhile to learn how to roughhouse safely, but we must follow these rules or I will end it immediately. You're a good person. You can say, "ouch that really hurt! but you cannot call names. We are all learning."
The Real Work: Staying Calm While Coaching
The goal is not perfect parenting. It's showing your child that their feelings and reactions are valid- and that you can still hold your boundaries around safety and behavior. Immediately. You show them that you see and understand them- while you coach them to reach for a reaction that doesn't harm others (often much later).
This is the most epic, effective work.
Here's what I also know to be true: the hardest part of this is staying calm to reach for these tools in the hardest moments. Most of us are managing a triggered nervous system while trying to not to react to our children. That's real, it's very hard, and it deserves its own conversation.
If you want to hear how I use this in my home, while addressing my own inner needs (like how I stay calm), listen here.