I vividly remember one day, sitting on the couch a couple months after my second son was born. I was holding both of my crying children. My lap felt beyond inadequate as they squirmed against each other, and neither could get comfortable. My toddler got so frustrated that he reached over and tried to push the baby off my lap.
Horrified, I began to cry too, thinking, "How in the world do parents manage two children? I will never be able to meet both of their needs. This feels impossible."
I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and filled with guilt on a regular basis. My body was still sore from a VBAC, and couldn't keep up with my busy toddler, meal prep or even playtime on the floor. I was seriously struggling. I kept googling "transition to two" online, looking for comfort and to find out if other mamas had as hard of a transition as I was experiencing.
I found tons of great resources on being more organized, snacks for toddlers, sleep schedules. But all of those things made me feel less prepared and even more alone.
My newborn cried endlessly. My toddler missed our one-on-one time and began melting down or acting out constantly. He had also just turned two and was experiencing big emotions. There were so many moments when both of my children were crying, and I couldn't comfort them at the same time. I felt like I was failing both of them.
I wrote these thoughts when I was finally beginning to feel confident with two children. I never found anything this honest at my lowest point. And because I didn't, I judged myself so harshly. So I'm sharing vulnerably here, in the hopes that it helps someone who is struggling as much as I was will find some comfort and reassurance.
I came out stronger from this very hard season, and things got easier and happier in our home. If you're having a hard time, I want you to know that you're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes it takes time, and practice, and trial and error to figure out what works for your family. Here are some things that actually made my life easier. You will figure it out, and soon you'll be thriving. In the meantime, give yourself truckloads of grace
Your Connection with Your Firstborn Will Be Restored
Right now, it might feel like your bond with your firstborn is slipping away. At one point, my older son started preferring his dad, hitting me, and rejecting me. He was so hurt from the massive change in our lives. I promise you, with a little effort on your part and some time to heal, it's temporary.
Give your older child little moments of undivided attention wherever you can. Do whatever you can not to punish or shame them when they have tantrums or are upset. Their brains are haywire from the threat of this newborn baby, stealing all of mommy's attention. Understand that they may feel rejected and that is why they are rejecting you.
Rest Is Essential—Perfect Sleep Schedules Are Not
Every Google search stressed me out even more. "Get them on a schedule," the advice said. Yes, I realize this is ultimately to make your household run easier. But in the beginning, it felt impossible. I'd try to stagger their naps only to have my toddler barge in a million times while I was putting the baby to sleep. Then I would get annoyed with him, and later feel guilty for scolding him.
** When I finally decided to lay down with both of my children for naptime, we were all able to snuggle and get rest. It felt like bliss.** It was literally lifesaving. In a few weeks when I gained more confidence and I wasn't as exhausted from giving birth, we actually did get on a sleep schedule and the boys were sleeping independently.
Feeding: Whatever Works
You can breast and bottle feed at the same time- most babies will accept both. I did not have an adequate breastmilk supply, and I also could not fathom pumping after nursing since my toddler was already bouncing off the walls when I would sit down to nurse. My solution was homemade baby formula recommended by my pediatrician. I would nurse, then supplement with formula after nursing until the baby was full. He nursed for years with this combo.
Your Toddler's Reactions Are Normal
If your toddler is attempting to hit, bite, hug, smother, pick up, or hide the baby—IT'S ALL NORMAL. When my toddler first met his newborn brother, he first tried to offer him a toy, then he tried to smother/hug him, then tried to feed him a chocolate covered strawberry, and then he straight up bit him only a couple of hours later!
If your toddler has zero interest in the baby- normal. Your older child is feeling threatened by the presence of this new baby- normal. Understand that they are not bad- they are afraid that they are losing your love to this tiny new person. They are definitely losing a lot of your time and attention, which is normal and will take time to accept.
Hire Help If You Can
I wish I had lined up a sitter to get comfortable with the baby so I could get some quality time with my older son. It would have helped us both tremendously. Let someone else clean, cook, or hold the baby so you can rest or play with your firstborn.
Small Efforts With Your Oldest Child Matter
My first outing with my toddler after the baby was born was a simple walk around the neighborhood when my husband came home from work. We looked for wildflowers, lizards, and bugs. It was so beautiful that I cried, which totally freaked him out. Our simple walk reminded me that connection doesn't have to be complicated. I wish I had done it sooner- it was heavenly to give him that undivided attention.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Is Not Permanent
After struggling with a raging eating disorder for most of my life, I was a bit neurotic about not giving my older son unprocessed foods for the first two years of his life. Enter baby two and he was literally living off pb&j and goldfish. He was in bliss, and I was horrified. I was very stressed that after weeks of processed food, he would reject the nourishing meals we were used to eating. In time, I offered more easy foods like scrambled eggs, avocado, pre-made guacamole and hummus, pre-chopped veggies and fruit, and anything that is low maintenance but added nourishment. In time, he returned to his normal foods and less processed snacks.
TV Time Is Also Not Permanent
My toddler had literally watched zero minutes of TV before his baby brother was born. Enter colicky newborn? ALL of my goals around screen time literally disappeared before my eyes. This became yet another area where I felt like a failure. I promise you that YES, you can and will get back to little or no screens if that is your goal. As things got easier with my newborn, I gradually reduced TV time until we were back to no TV at all until he got older.
The Most Important Tool: ABC
Lastly, but possibly most importantly, I wish I had learned to be my toddler's confident leader through the simple steps I outline in my article on the ABC framework. If you don't want the specifics, here is the idea:
A - Acknowledge their perspective B - Hold firm, safe Boundaries C - Be Compassionate toward their perspective
Older siblings are going through a lot when these sweet babies come home. If you'd like more details and some examples of how I remember this, read in more detail here.
During this season, life can feel impossible. You care so much about meeting the needs of your children, and can barely meet your own. I hope my experience helps you stop judging yourself, and you know that in time you will figure it all out.
Struggling with the transition to two? Work with me to navigate this season with more confidence and connection.