You want to enjoy your kids' presence, but often you find yourself slightly overstimulated and getting annoyed more often than you'd like.
You engage and disengage.
You make dinner and check your phone, returning to intervene when you hear your kids bicker.
Perhaps you spend a few moments with them, or check on them, but step away when something comes up that you need to respond to.
Mornings may feel rushed.
Evenings may feel inconsistent and disorganized.
It feels like there is not enough time for quality connection.
Any of that sound familiar?
This dynamic was a regular occurrence in my house, and it left me feeling empty and longing for more meaningful connection with my kids. And also, I felt guilty for snapping more than I'd like.
Recently I've made a goal of not being on my phone before my kids go to school. To give them full, undivided attention before they leave me for 7 hours. I do the same before bedtime.
I knew it had been making things better for all of us, but it wasn't that clear until this morning.
This morning I ignored this goal of avoiding my phone for that short window of time before school. I kept thinking of random things I needed to address right at that moment (appointments to book, appointments to cancel, a response to a large business transaction I didn't want to wait on, a few items to add to my grocery list, a recipe I wanted to look up for dinner…)
You know — the trillion things that moms are always juggling that I didn't want to forget about.
So I kept stepping away to my phone then returning to the table where my boys were coloring, trying to re-engage but feeling half present and scattered.
I started to feel annoyed by their antics instead of laughing and being fully involved.
I snapped at them when they couldn't find clean socks.
I tried to calm myself down, but it was too late.
I had already scattered my own presence and overstimulated my brain with my phone, and my kids were about to pay the price.
When we went outside and my car wouldn't start, I lost it — ON THEM.
"It's too stressful when you guys are so scattered!! I shouldn't have to remind you guys a million times to brush your teeth and put your shoes on! If you guys didn't always make us late, and make me ask you a million times to get ready, moments like this wouldn't be so stressful!"
My six year old responded, sadly,
"We thought we did good today Mommy?"
Ugh. It was like a punch to my gut.
In fact, they really had done well. They colored and played nicely all morning together. They ate a good breakfast, then cleared and rinsed their dishes. They just got a little sidetracked when I got pulled in a many directions.
I feel sad when I write this. I can't wait to go pick them up from school and apologize for the way I spoke to them.
I will say:
"You did not deserve the way I snapped at you when the car didn't start. I handled my stress terribly and took it out on you. You deserve better and you guys had done great this morning. I was the one who was overwhelmed and I took it out on you. I was wrong, and I'm sorry."
No excuses.
A solid repair.
I'm sharing this because my mood and presence shift tremendously toward true happiness and fun — and much less irritability — when I am not on my phone for intentional periods of time when I'm with my kids.
When I honor set windows of time that I do not look at it.
When I ignore this recent goal, my mood and my kids pay the price.
I become more stressed. More irritable. And I lose my direction for the day.
I like to keep a little pad of paper on the kitchen counter so I can make quick notes to myself of things that pop into my brain that I don't want to forget. Then I can stay more fully present but still relax, trusting it's on my list for later.
Basic. Old school pen and paper. But boy is it satisfying to cross those items off later after a good morning sendoff.
This tiny habit allows me to remember what I need to do without picking up my phone and showing my kids for the millionth time that everything else is more important than looking in their faces.
A moment that stayed with me
Yesterday at the skate park there was a little boy trying new stunts on his rollerblades. He kept trying new things and laughing, looking to his mom's face for her reaction.
She never gave him a single one.
It pains my heart to remember him looking over at her constantly, but never getting her eye contact or approval.
I get it. I really do. We are all so busy.
And I know for certain I have been that parent, too. Probably more times than I care to acknowledge.
Our moods, our nervous systems, and our children have never been so fragile — or ignored.
I hope you try setting some sort of small goals for being fully present. I want this for you so much.
If you establish certain periods of time where you do not look at your phone, you may be surprised by the following things:
- You will laugh more
- You will be once again astounded at how brilliant and clever and funny your kids are because you're paying full attention and really enjoying their company
- You will have more meaningful conversations because you won't break the flow every 10 minutes
- You will feel more relaxed
- You may finally acknowledge some family dynamics or concerns that you want to address
- You may remember to put on some music, light a candle, and enjoy your home
- You will be shocked at how often you want to reach for your phone, and how conscious you have to be not to give in
- Your kids' behavior will begin to change. They won't be as reactive and as desperate for your attention. Their brains will remain calm
Because when you look away from them (and pretend to listen, pretend to laugh, pretend to be interested, pretend that you heard what they said) it pushes their brain into a state of stress.
Then they have to escalate their efforts to get your attention or to gain a true reaction.
These are the sacred windows of time that belong to me and my family:
- The short amount of time in the morning while we are having breakfast and getting ready for our day
- The few hours after we all get home in the evening while we have dinner, unwind, do homework, play a family board game or throw the football or whatever — our phones go by the front door until the boys go to sleep.
We know our kids matter more than anything — but do our actions show that?
I'm sharing my story of becoming irritable, anxious, and yelling this morning because it was SUCH an ah-ha moment for me. I have not had a moment like that in many weeks, because I've been good about honoring my no-phone windows.
I'm also sharing because being intentional about my phone has helped me feel so much better. It hurts my heart to see people struggling with so much anxiety, disconnect, and loss of direction. Subtle shifts can make a world of a difference with our energy, mood, attention, and relationships.
I hope you'll try it — even if you don't have kids. Any relationship in your life will benefit, including the relationship you have with yourself.
If you try it, I hope you let me know.
And if this resonated, I'd love to stay connected with you here. 🤍