This morning before school my boys were very upset about something.
A friend of theirs had been in a conflict with a little girl at school. She said some terrible things to him, using very inappropriate language, and he responded with some unkind comments about her appearance.
My boys (9 and 6) understood why he should not have commented on her appearance, and perhaps how he could have handled it differently. But they were extremely upset that only the boy had "gotten in trouble."
The way my son reported it to me was, "Literally no one in the school cared that he was also upset. That she said something terrible to him. They don't care about the boys, only the girls. The boys are the ones who always get in trouble."
Yes, for SURE we need to avoid negative comments about girls' and women's bodies. As someone who experienced an eating disorder for many years, and serious body dysmorphia, I understand that deeply.
Why did this catch my attention?
It highlights a trend that I'm hearing from friends, and what I hear about in my parent-child coaching sessions.
The girls are having a (well deserved) moment.
And the boys? Boys are still getting in trouble, struggling to sit still during the school day, being punished publicly, experiencing time outs (painful isolation while trying to process a mistake), loss of recess, and loss of lunch with friends.
The boys are falling behind socially, emotionally, and academically in a system that does not serve their needs.
Adolescent boys are struggling more than ever. They report isolation, loneliness, addiction to pornography and video games. They are vulnerable to relationships with AI "companions." Adolescent boys are falling victim to suicide after being blackmailed online, and being too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Suicide rates, drug addiction, homelessness, incarceration, and alcoholism are significantly higher for men than for women.
Why?
Because when boys make mistakes we punish them. Shame them. Take away privileges instead of coaching, teaching, and comforting.
Didn't finish your worksheet? No recess — literally the worst thing for an energetic 6-year-old.
Goofing off in the bathroom? Eat alone at lunch, separated publicly from your friends.
Three-year-old hits a sibling? Immediate timeout — or worse, physical punishment — despite almost no impulse control at that age.
Eight year old talks back? Go to your room until you can get rid of that nasty attitude.
The message becomes:
"If you mess up, the world will shame you further, then you will deal with it alone."
And then we wonder why our husbands shut down. Why our boys go to their rooms and close the door. Why they withhold, withdraw, suppress.
We have taught them withdrawal and suppression their entire lives — from school. From us. From our culture.
I don't know about you, but when my son makes a huge mistake or feels afraid, I want him to know that together we can overcome difficult moments and learn from his mistakes. That he never has to be afraid to tell me the truth.
According to Allan Schore — a leading developmental neuroscientist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA — boys are physiologically more sensitive than girls in early development.
Schore's research shows that the right hemisphere of the brain (emotional processing, stress regulation, connection) matures more slowly in boys. Because of this maturational delay, boys go through a longer period where their nervous systems are especially vulnerable to stress, overwhelm, disconnection, and environmental pressure. — Allan N. Schore, All Our Sons: The Developmental Neurobiology and Neuroendocrinology of Boys at Risk, 2017
In short — boys often look tougher. But biologically they're more sensitive to stress, pressure, and disconnection. They react more, feel more, and absorb more.
This is the way our boys are perfectly designed to carry their male experience. Which is why they need steady adults, emotional presence, and patient leadership more than ever.
My boys' perception of this situation — their reflection that "they literally don't care about the boys" — is telling.
This touches on a complicated social dynamic that all our kids are experiencing right now:
- Girls are supposed to be treated with more respect and kindness.
- Girls are also the same as boys and are supposed to be treated the same.
- Boys often handle their anger and frustration with more impulsivity and physical reactions. This means they may be more likely to draw attention when they're actually experiencing sadness or frustration.
Boys need calm leadership, a receptive ear to listen to their perception of what happened, and to feel like they matter so they can receive effective coaching.
I always tell my boys: "All feelings are ok. Not all behaviors are ok."
I want to know what they think and feel so they feel seen and heard. We all want desperately to feel seen, loved, and understood — like our experience matters to someone else. Like someone is rooting for us.
Bonus: when we are open to their feelings of anger, sadness and frustration this makes them more receptive and open-hearted for coaching around appropriate and inappropriate ways to manage those feelings.
I am not looking to offend anyone with this reflection. I love the support that our women and girls are finally experiencing, and hope it continues to expand.
We need a similar shift around our perception and support of what our boys need as well. Urgently.
We need to support our boys who are struggling to sit still and getting in trouble, our toddlers who are learning not to hit, and our teenagers who have learned to withdraw.
I want you to ask yourself: "What about the boys?"
If you have a son — or a boy that you love — look at how their environment supports their physical and emotional needs, or not. Find out how they are feeling.
Something to try
Lay down with your son at night and tell them about a mistake you made that day, and how you resolved it (or didn't!). Ask if they made a mistake. Ask the worst part of their day, and listen. Ask if there was a good part. Offer support and show them that we all make mistakes and experience highs and lows.
This reflection was written with so much love. If you care about our boys, or found this meaningful, please share.