Yesterday, I told my son how proud I was after we finished a tricky Spanish assignment and went in for a big hug. "Don't hug me!!" he said. I froze for a second, hurt. I recovered as quickly as I could and said "Can I tackle you instead?" He nodded and I tackled him onto the couch, playfully punched him a few times, pretended I was breaking his legs over my knees, and we laughed a LOT.
It reminded me how much he craves that sort of attention from me. All the tension from the frustrating homework just melted away in those playful moments.
The rest of our day was completely different after this moment. He was responsive, engaged, and helpful.
10 minutes completely changed our day.
This moment reminded me of something.
My son isn't a hugger. He never has been, but it's getting "worse" as he gets older. He used to only reject hugs from extended family. Now, sometimes he doesn't want a hug from me or his dad, and I respect his preferences.
But I also know that the first declined hug is normally a sign I haven't been giving our relationship the fun and attention it deserves. When we're feeling close and playful, he hugs me more easily.
I insist on finding other ways to physically connect with him to bridge that gap, and ensure he receives the physical contact he needs. Plus, when I let physical distance grow between us, I truly feel it on every layer of our relationship.
Am I perfect about this? No. Does it happen every single day? No. But I do make this effort at least every couple of days, and without question when I notice some distance.
Why Boys Need Physical Connection
"Boys don't stop needing closeness. They just learn to suppress that need because of social pressures." — Dr. Michael Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy
Boys in American culture are particularly vulnerable to touch starvation due to societal expectations of masculinity. These expectations discourage emotional and physical closeness, and can potentially lead to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and attachment issues.
Read: Touch Starvation Impacts Boys
"The bottom line: touch keeps you alive. It's crucial." — Michael Thompson, PhD, clinical psychologist specializing in children and families
Touch starvation? Let that phrase sink in for a minute.
"Secure attachment between a boy and his caregiver facilitates the optimal development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and emotional regulation. This connection helps boys regulate big emotions and navigate challenges more effectively later in life." — Dr. Allan Schore, neuroscientist, UCLA School of Medicine
Playful Ways to Reconnect
When my boys and I connect in the funny or subtle ways I'm about to share, I see an immediate shift in my sons' behavior. They become more cooperative. We have more fun. Frankly, they don't ignore me out as much. They don't fight with each other as much either- they are feeling secure and close to me, which reduces their tension. It affects, literally, everything about our day and our week. I cannot overstate this. Here are our favorites:
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Sit close. Sometimes, when he's on the floor building, reading, or playing with the dogs, I'll just sit down next to him. More often than not, he'll crawl into my lap and continue what he is doing.
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"Stop punching yourself." He loves this one — I use his fists to "punch" him across the face with sound effects. Of course I never hurt him but it gets us very physically close and makes us both laugh. (I remember my dad doing this with me when I was a girl, and it brings me a lot of happiness. My dad's sound effects were much better than mine, but my son seems to appreciate them nonetheless.)
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The desperate morning lap offer. He usually wakes up wanting to sit on my lap for a few minutes. When I hear his door open I usually throw myself on the floor like a desperate loser and hope he climbs on my lap. Or I stop what I'm doing and go sit on the couch. Nothing is beneath me. 99% of the time, he heads straight for my lap.
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The airplane game. He still loves the classic, though now we joke that I'm the airplane. The shocking part is that he can actually lift me off the ground. It doesn't last long but we laugh and try a few times anyway. Then I jokingly concede and let him be the airplane.
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Bedtime snuggles. At bedtime, he loves reading a book then falling asleep with my arm around him. And yes, I still put him to bed because I love the closeness so much.
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The great escape. We play this game where I hold him tight and don't let him escape. He tries to wiggle away, sometimes I let him win, and sometimes I don't. He gets to decide how hard I make it for him. And of course, I'm threatening and growling, "You'll never get awaaaaaay" the whole time. It's insane to me how often he asks to play this game. (I got this idea from psychologist Lawrence Cohen in his incredible book, Playful Parenting.)
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Play fighting and spinning. We play fight, and I pick him up and spin him around. He's getting so tall and heavy I know we are nearing the end of this game.
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Burrito or pizza. I wrap him in a blanket, squish him tight, and pretend to add toppings. I'll "squish out the dough," slather him with "sauce," and sprinkle "cheese" and "pepperoni" or any other toppings all over him. The more toppings the better! For a burrito, I spread out some "beans," "cheese," karate chop "onions" all over him, slather him with "salsa," and squish him all up in a blanket.
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The egg crack. He likes when I crack an "egg" on his head and use my fingers to simulate the egg running down over his scalp and neck.
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Piggyback rides (reversed). We often joke around and I ask for piggyback rides, jumping on his back. Of course, we both end up on the floor laughing hysterically, and then I swoop him up and carry him around instead.
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Snapping like a twig. His favorite — I pretend to snap his arms and legs like a twig over my knee. It's so absurd that we always laugh hysterically.
When we hit a rough patch, I'll ask myself, "When was the last time we were slightly ridiculous together? When's the last time he at least sat on my lap?"
The Science Behind Touch and Bonding
Physical touch is so important. It helps kids develop self worth, emotional security, and trust. It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases oxytocin, which fosters bonding. When my boys and I play like this they are visibly happier, more responsive to me, and more relaxed.
Why am I bothering to share this? Because often I feel like I'm parenting "around" my boys, begging for their attention and cooperation during their chaos and high energy play. This physical play shifts our dynamic so they are orbiting me again. It makes things easier. They cooperate faster. They're not tuning me out. It's that impactful. And also, our boys need physical warmth and connection. They are wired to need it, just like all people. They may just need it in a different way.
Could you try any of these with your son, or your own version?
I promise, you will see a shift in their behavior and your connection. And you'll find yourself feeling more fun and lighthearted than you have in awhile.
You may even find them coming in for more hugs, and climbing into your lap without having to act as desperate as I do.
Maybe our playful boys are doing something right after all.
Sending love, hugs and hopes for some degree of roughhousing.
Emily
If you're raising a boy and want to go deeper on anger, big feelings, and connection, this free audio was made for you. Listen to the Boys + Anger audio, it's free.